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In this blog, I provide training and instruction, as well as warnings on the topics of finding a marriage partner, Christian dating, courtship, cohabitation before marriage, contraception, sex, and divorce. 

As the Scripture says, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.” (1 Thes 4:3-8, NIV)

“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” (Heb 13:4)

Finding a Marriage Partner	Why Not Live Together Rather Than Marry	A Warning for Christian Married Couples
Recognizing Jesus	Is Contraception a Sin?	When Marriage Doesn't Work Out
Divorcing the Devil	The Father's Role in the Marriage of His Children	Christian Typology of Jewish Wedding Customs
Jacob Was 77 Years Old When He Married

Attribution notice: Most Scripture quotations taken from the NASB. Other Scriptures taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®, where noted.

Author's Note: You may also access my complete blog directory at Writing for the Master.

Do You Want to Know Him?
If you want to know Jesus personally, you can. It all begins when you repent and believe in Jesus.  Do you know what God's Word, the Bible says?

“Jesus came into Galilee, preaching the gospel of God, and saying, ‘The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.’” (Mar 1:14b-15).  He preached that we must repent and believe.

Please see my explanation of this in my post called "Do You Want to Know Jesus?"

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Len Lacroix is the founder of Doulos Missions International.  He was based in Eastern Europe for four years, making disciples, as well as helping leaders to be more effective at making disciples who multiply, developing leaders who multiply, with the ultimate goal of planting churches that multiply. His ministry is now based in the United States with the same goal of helping fulfill the Great Commission. www.dmiworld.org.

The Gift of Celibacy

Although I am personally happily married and do not have the gift of celibacy, I want to highlight singleness, since it is not very popular in today's culture, and yet it is found in Scripture. These days it seems like married life is promoted as the best possible way of life. Things are geared toward couples, and romance is the subject of many movies and books, as well as a target for the advertising campaigns of businesses. It is as if singleness were a bad thing or at least second best. There is even pressure for single people to get married in some cultures, or at least an expectation that they should do so.

Even in the church we see this mentality that favors married life and people who are married. Events may be geared toward couples or toward singles who are seeking to be married. Even when the Church is considering someone as a potential pastor, they may have rules in place that require him to be married as one of the necessary qualifications. While Scripture teaches us that it is wrong to forbid people to marry, it is not wrong or somehow less than God's best for anyone to remain single. I am not at all diminishing the gift of marriage and children, because I think they are wonderful, but I want to focus in this post on what the Scriptures say about celibacy.

God's High Standard for Marriage
When Jesus spoke of the high standard for marriage and the rare exception for divorce, teaching that God requires married couples to remain together for life, it sparked a reaction among His disciples, who probably could not see how most people would be able to achieve that standard.

In that passage, some Pharisees had asked the Lord if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason, and Jesus had asked them what Moses said. They replied that Moses commanded them to issue a certificate of divorce. But Jesus replied that Moses only allowed that because their hearts were hard, but that this was not God's will from the beginning.

"Jesus replied, 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.'” (Mt 19:8-9, NIV).

The disciples, as I said, were amazed to learn that this was God's high and holy standard for marriage. "The disciples said to him, 'If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.'" (Mt 19:10, NIV). They thought that it would be better for people not to marry, since they knew how challenging it can be to maintain a healthy, harmonious marriage, and how common it is for couples to divorce. Apparently they realized that many people were not staying married and felt it would be best, in light of what Jesus said, for people not to get married in the first place.

Listen to the Lord's response to their assumption. "Jesus replied, 'Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.'” (Mt 19:11-12, NIV).

Jesus first made it clear that not everyone can accept the notion proposed by His disciples that it would be better for people to remain celibate. He said that only those who have received their celibacy from God can do so, and He gave examples of such people.

Three Kinds of Celibacy
There are essentially three kinds of celibacy. First there are those who are born that way. These are people who are either born without a desire to be married or are created by God to be single. This could include those rather unusual cases in which people are born without healthy reproductive organs. It could also include people who are better suited to be single. But the point is that they were actually born that way. Marriage is either something they are not interested in or are incapable of doing. He called them eunuchs.

Then there are those who have been made into eunuchs by others. This would include people who have had certain reproductive organs removed, as in the case of a man who has been castrated, typically early enough in life for it to have major hormonal consequences. In Bible days there were men who were made to be eunuchs in order to serve in the king's courts in certain roles that required them to be single. One example would be a eunuch in charge of the king's harem (Esther 2:15). It was pretty typical for kings and queens to have eunuchs serving in their courts. One example is in 2 Kings 9:32, where two or three eunuchs threw Queen Jezebel out the window to her death at Jehu's request.

A third type of eunuch that Jesus mentioned is the kind who has made a personal decision to remain celibate for the sake of the kingdom. He said, "there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven." In my opinion there may be far more of this third type than there are of the first two types of celibate people. The Lord did not forbid anyone to marry, but said that there is a kind of self-imposed celibacy that one can choose in order to better serve God. In fact, He actually encouraged this by saying, "The one who can accept this should accept it."

Therefore, while He acknowledged that not everyone can accept this, He did say that the one who could accept celibacy for the kingdom should accept it. He was certainly not expecting all people to be able to remain celibate, since for some people it would simply not be a wise decision, but He seemed to indicate that this is actually His preference for His disciples, who are able to accept it, to remain celibate. After all, He Himself was celibate for the sake of the kingdom, so He led by example.

Celibates in Scripture
In addition to the Lord Jesus Himself, there are others in Scripture that were single. One is the apostle Paul. Some people believe he may have actually been married at one time, but somehow either through the death of his wife or divorce he ended up single again. They probably assume this because of the way he was able to teach so well on marriage as if he himself had personal experience with it, and also perhaps it is because it would have been most likely for a Pharisee in those days, such as he was, to be married rather than single. According to Matthew Henry, "The Jews, more than any people, valued themselves on their early marriages and their numerous offspring." We don't have any proof that Paul was ever married, so it is certainly not necessary to believe that he was, and it is fine if you want to assume he was always single.

However, we do know for certain from Scripture that Paul was not married during the part of his life after he became a follower of Christ. We could assume that he made a personal choice not to marry. But even if he had ever been married before coming to Christ, and his wife either died or the marriage ended in divorce, there is no record of him being married, and he spoke of himself as an unmarried man, so it seems reasonable to assume that he chose of his own free will to remain single afterward as either a widower or a divorced person. The less likely possibility, in my opinion, is that he had never been married and when he came to Christ he made a commitment to celibacy for the sake of the kingdom. No matter which scenario you assume to be true of him (having once been married or never having been married), Scripture makes it clear that he had chosen for the sake of the kingdom not to marry, once he became a follower of Christ (1 Cor 7:7-8).

Besides Paul, others that seemed to be celibate in Scripture include his missionary traveling companion and fellow apostle Barnabas, as well as Silas. Then, of course, there is the Ethiopian eunuch, who came to Christ through Philip's ministry, who was an important official in charge of all the treasury of the queen of the Ethiopians (Ac 8:26-40).

Another example of a eunuch in Scripture is the prophet Jeremiah. The Lord specifically spoke to him not to marry or have children (Jer 16:2), because of the desperate times he was living in. It also seems that the prophets Elijah, Elisha, and John the Baptist were celibate. There is no biblical record of any of them having a wife or children. The same is true of the prophet Daniel, as well as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He and the three Hebrews were all appointed to the king's personal service in the royal courts of Babylon, and may have actually been made into eunuchs for that very purpose (Dan 1:5-7).

Scriptural Teaching on Celibacy
Paul taught about celibacy himself. He said:

"Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.” (1 Cor 7:1-2, NIV).

Here Paul said that abstinence is good, but that both singles and couples should avoid sexual immorality. While he recognized that some people need to be married in order to avoid sexual immorality, he taught that married men should only have sexual relations with their own wives and women with their own husbands. But for single people, unless they get married, abstinence is the only way to remain pure, and Paul preferred that for himself and others.

He said, "I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that." (1 Cor 7:7, NIV). Here we see that though he wished the Corinthians were single like he was, he realized that while some people have the gift of celibacy, others don't.

He said, "Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." (1 Cor 7:25-28, NIV).

Paul explicitly taught single men not to look for a wife, because those who marry will face many troubles in life, and he wanted to spare people from that.

He wrote: "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.  (1 Cor 7:32-35, NIV).

From this passage we learn that Paul wanted the Corinthians to be free from concern, so they could focus on pleasing the Lord. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs -- how he can please the Lord. So is an unmarried woman or virgin. Her aim is to be wholly devoted to Jesus bodily and spiritually. Paul's desire for the Corinthians was that they may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord, and that is God's desire for each one of us.

I do want to point out that Paul was clear that it was not a sin to marry, and he never forbade anyone to marry. In no way did he want to restrict anyone. In fact, he taught elsewhere in his epistle to Timothy that it was wrong to forbid people to marry. He wrote: "But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, by means of the hypocrisy of liars seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron, men who forbid marriage and advocate abstaining from foods which God has created to be gratefully shared in by those who believe and know the truth." (1 Tim 4:1-3).

Paul also taught that while a widow is free to marry a believer, she would be actually happier if she remains single. He wrote: "A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God." (1 Cor 7:39-40).

On the other hand, he recognized the needs of younger widows to remarry, since they have been married before and once again find themselves single. He said, "So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander." (1 Tim 5:14, NIV).  Part of his reason for counseling younger widows to marry is to avoid giving the enemy an opportunity. He understood that if someone felt the need to be married, and did not have the gift of celibacy, but after being married for a time they lost their spouse and ended up single again, the best thing for such a person may be to get married again so as not to give opportunity to the enemy.

Therefore, from these passages, we can see that Paul had a strong preference for celibacy over marriage, whenever possible. Yet he was not rigid about singleness, nor did he require it of everyone.

Virgins
There is a beautiful verse in the book of Revelation about those who remain virgins, which is specifically speaking of men that follow Jesus. "These are those who did not defile themselves with women, for they remained virgins. They follow the Lamb wherever he goes. They were purchased from among mankind and offered as firstfruits to God and the Lamb." (Rev 14:4, NIV)

Remaining a virgin for the Lord is an honorable decision for one to make. God places great value on that. For those who do so, they can truly claim the promise of Isaiah that says, "For your Maker is your husband-- the LORD Almighty is his name-- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth." (Is 54:5, NIV).

A Special Promise for Eunuchs
The Lord has given a special promise to eunuchs through the prophet Isaiah. He said, "Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the LORD say, 'The LORD will surely separate me from His people.' Nor let the eunuch say, 'Behold, I am a dry tree.' For thus says the LORD, 'To the eunuchs who keep My sabbaths, And choose what pleases Me, And hold fast My covenant, To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial, And a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off.'" (Isa 56:3-5).

I believe that those who are eunuchs, as well as bachelors who choose to live like eunuchs, can claim this promise for themselves. If they keep His sabbaths, choose what pleases the Lord, and hold fast to His covenant, to them He will give a memorial within His walls and in His house, and a name that is better than having sons and daughters. Whereas normally if a man does not have sons, he has no one to carry on his family name, and he may consider his name to be cut off. But the Lord has promised these eunuchs who meet these conditions that He will give them an everlasting name that will endure throughout eternity and never be cut off.

In my opinion, women who choose a life of celibacy for Jesus can claim this promise given to eunuchs. If a woman is led to remain single, then she may also be led by the Spirit to see how this passage applies to her and to claim the promise for her self.

Vows
I don't necessarily advise anyone to make vows of celibacy. I think one can decide before the Lord to remain single for the sake of the kingdom without making any kind of vow to do so. One could simply decide that unless the Lord shows him otherwise, he is going to assume he is called to a life of singleness for the kingdom. He could proceed with pursuing the plans and purposes that God has for him without any regard for marriage, unless the Lord would speak to him to become married one day. This applies to both men and women.

Putting it All Together
The Lord Jesus, who Himself was celibate, taught that those who can accept celibacy for the sake of the kingdom should do so, and the apostle Paul essentially said the same. Paul taught abstinence for singles and believed it was best not to marry, in order to spare people of troubles associated with marriage, and to enable them to serve the Lord in undivided devotion, but he did allow for the fact that not everyone has the gift of celibacy as he did. He did not forbid people to marry, nor did he require marriage of anyone, including those in ministry. I hope that this message has served to encourage those who may be considering a life of celibacy for the sake of the kingdom.

Attribution notice: Most Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®, where noted.

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like Covenant Prayer, Led by the Spirit - Part I, Led by the Spirit - Part II, Walking in the Perfect Will of God, Avoid Becoming a Corrupted Christian, Sins That Will Keep You From Heaven, Holy Living in a Perverted World, Accountable, correctable, and teachable, Restored Truth, The Ways of Life, and the other posts on the home page. You may also access my complete blog directory at "Writing for the Master."

Do You Want to Know Him?
If you want to know Jesus personally, you can. It all begins when you repent and believe in Jesus.  Do you know what God's Word, the Bible says?

“Jesus came into Galilee, preaching the gospel of God, and saying, ‘The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.’” (Mar 1:14b-15).  He preached that we must repent and believe.

Please see my explanation of this in my post called "Do You Want to Know Jesus?"

Finding a Marriage Partner

Unless you have chosen to remain single for the rest of your life or God has called you to celibacy, then at some point you will feel the need to find a marriage partner. However, for the disciple of Christ, we have very few good models for how to do so. Instead we have plenty of bad, worldly examples all around us.  Therefore, I would like to give some Scriptural guidelines to follow.

Worldly Patterns to Avoid
In the world, we all see the patterns that are followed, and these are familiar to most of us. But I will take just a moment to mention them.

Dating is the most common one. We all know this involves two people going out together on “dates” or set times when they do things together. It may involve a single date or a series of dates on an ongoing basis, known as “going steady.” I don’t need to go into detail about all the aspects of dating that give opportunities for compromise, such as spending time alone together in private, kissing, and other intimate contact. It all eventually leads to impurity, passion, lust, sensuality, and sexual immorality, which are all sinful in God’s sight.

Yet even Christians consider dating to be an acceptable practice. They think it is necessary to date someone as a means of getting to know that person before you decide whether to marry them. However, dating has no Scriptural basis at all, and it leads to sin. It is similar to trying out a used car, taking it for a test drive before you decide to buy it. Or another analogy would be going to the ice cream parlor and taking a few licks from each flavor, giving each one back to the waiter after licking it and asking to try another one until you find the flavor you would like to order. A person is not a used car or an ice cream cone, but a human being made in God’s image. They are not supposed to be test driven or licked before you make a commitment to them.

Since dating often does not result in marriage between the couple, it produces many victims who have been tried out and discarded – even multiple times. So the selection for others to choose from includes other people that have been test driven and licked but left unwanted and single. This is heart breaking to the victims and to the Lord who made them. It was never His intention for people to find a spouse this way.

As I wrote in my article, Visitation of Jesus to Samuel Oghenetega, the Lord appeared to this teenage boy and gave him a warning to those keeping boyfriends and girlfriends. The Lord said, "Tell those keeping boyfriends and girlfriends to repent or else I shall cast them into the burning furnace of hell. Millions of them are in hell. Satan is coming with angels to deceive humanity. Therefore, humanity is doomed. As for my sheep, I will be with them. And I will not leave them."

I will briefly mention living together, which is just a byproduct or result of dating and then going steady. The same reasons used for dating are the ones people use for living together. They believe they love each other enough to move in together and they feel they might spend the rest of their lives together. But somehow they are not ready to make an official, lifelong commitment to stay with each other, to the exclusion of all others, until death parts them. Obviously, all the same aspects of dating that give rise to sin are also true of living together, but much more so, since there is no longer any restraint or attempt to wait until marriage before lying together. And all the same reasons why dating damages people are also true of living together, except much more so. Since many unmarried couples that live together end up breaking up, they experience similar wreckage in their lives as a result. Moreover, when they have had children together, there are more than two victims. For more on this topic, please see my article, Why Not Live Together Rather Than Marry.

One last thing I will mention is mixed spiritual beliefs among couples. In the world, it is common for couples to have different spiritual beliefs and even for one to be a Christian while the other is an unbeliever. This also has no Scriptural basis either, but is simply a worldly pattern that results in spiritual adultery or mixture.

Scriptural Basis
Here are just a few Scriptural admonitions for those who are single, which we must pay careful attention to.

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.” (1Co 6:9-11)

“Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, ‘The two shall become one flesh.’ But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” (1Co 6:15-20)

“Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.” (1Co 7:1-2).

“Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, ‘I WILL DWELL IN THEM AND WALK AMONG THEM; AND I WILL BE THEIR GOD, AND THEY SHALL BE MY PEOPLE. "Therefore, COME OUT FROM THEIR MIDST AND BE SEPARATE,’ says the Lord. ‘AND DO NOT TOUCH WHAT IS UNCLEAN; And I will welcome you. And I will be a father to you, And you shall be sons and daughters to Me,’ Says the Lord Almighty.” (2Co 6:14-18)

“…the knowledge of the truth which is according to godliness.” (Tit 1:1)

“Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled.” (Tit 2:6, NIV).
“For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.” (Tit 2:11-14)

“For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures…” (Tit 3:3a)

“Abstain from all appearance of evil.” (1Th 5:22)

“But like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, ‘You shall be holy, for I am holy.’" (1Pe 1:15-16)

“Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation.” (1Pe 2:11-12)

“For the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued a course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries.” (1Pe 4:3)

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.” (1 Thes 4:3-8, NIV)

“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” (Heb 13:4)

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” (Eph 6:1-3)

"I did not want to do anything without your consent..." (Philemon 14a)

“Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.” (Heb 13:17)

The lessons are clear. Fornication and all forms of sexual immorality are sinful and those who do these things will not inherit the kingdom of God. It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Flee from immorality. Christians must only marry believers, not unbelievers. The knowledge of the truth leads to godliness. Be sanctified. Learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans. God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Abstain from all appearances of evil. Honor marriage. Honor and obey your parents. Obey your leaders and submit to them.

Godly Patterns to Follow
Since we know we must not conform to these worldly patterns, and they are mostly all we have for examples around us, what is a single person to do, who desires to be married? We must be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

Paul said, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Rom 12:2)

Begin as Paul said in the verse before this by offering your body as a living sacrifice to God, which is your acceptable act of worship. And seek to please the Lord in all you do, including the way you go about finding a spouse.

There are plenty of biblical examples you can study, including the way that Abraham found a wife for Isaac (Gen 24), the way Jacob married (Gen 29; although not the part about getting two wives), and the way that Boaz and Ruth married (Ruth 3-4). We can learn many lessons from these stories, such as purity before marriage, searching among the same spiritual family (believers), honoring the parents, honoring one another, love, and commitment. However, there is no fully developed, Christian method of finding a wife outlined in Scripture. Therefore, please allow me to try and provide some sort of guideline for those who would like that.

In my opinion, godly courtship is the most biblical approach. There are probably many definitions of what that means, so I will try and explain my own personal viewpoint.

Prayer
The first thing any single man or woman should do in his or her search for a spouse is to pray. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Php 4:6). We are supposed to pray about everything, and finding a marriage partner is no exception. I do believe it is the man’s role to find a wife, and not the woman’s role to find a husband. Scripture says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD” (Prov 18:22, KJV). But that does not mean the woman cannot do her part to pray for a husband. I would even recommend praying with fasting as well.

Be honest with the Lord. If you feel like you desperately need to be married, cry out to Him about your need. Bring your petition before Him. Those who have lived an immoral life in the past may especially acutely feel this need. But be sure that you receive deliverance, healing, and restoration, and learn to make the Lord first in your life before you assume that marriage is going to solve your problem. What you need is love, not sex, and learning to love begins with loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. You also need to learn to love your neighbor as yourself. If you have used people in the past, abused, or exploited them, then those patterns need to be broken as you learn to love others as Jesus does. I recommend Covenant Prayer, and Demonology 101.

While most men may marry to fulfill their need for sex, perhaps most women marry to fulfill their need for companionship and the security of being truly loved by a man. But if you are a woman, you should first learn to receive the love of Jesus Christ for you and the love of the Father in heaven, so that He can fill the void within you. You must be healed of any insecurity, so that you can truly receive His love and give love back to Him and others. Then your reason for getting married will not be a selfish one to fill a void, but a loving one to give of yourself and submit yourself freely without fear. 

The Leading of the Spirit
As you pray, you should be part of a local church, where you can interact with others in Christ and observe their behavior. Watch how they interact with you and with others. Serve the Lord along side them publicly and worship with them publicly. As you continue like this, over time the Lord may draw you to a particular person, and that is something you should pay attention to. As He does so, you should take your attraction for that person to the Lord to Him in prayer. Do not tell the other person about this, but just pray and tell the Lord. Father knows. As you talk to Him about it privately, He will move on your behalf and show you if it is His will for you to marry this person. You see, we begin with seeking to know what is the Father’s will in this matter, not rushing to do our own will.

The best way to know God’s will is to put your will on the altar. Put the other person on the altar, too. Like a car that is in the neutral gear, set your heart into a neutral position before God, so that you can clearly hear from Him about this person. Don’t assume the one you are attracted to is His will for your life, although that may be the case. You need to determine and prove that in prayer.

As I mentioned in my article, Keeping a Prayer Journal, you need to maintain a journal that contains things the Lord has spoken to you in prayer, as well as things you have spoken to Him, Scriptures He has given to you for your life, and promises you are claiming. As you sense the Lord’s leading regarding this person you are praying about, write those things down in your journal. Then you can look back on them later and see if it was really the Lord.

Not everything that seems like the Lord’s leading is really His leading. That is why you need to get confirmations from the Lord. These can come in the form of Scriptures, hearing the Lord’s voice within your heart or even audibly, divine coincidences, prophecies, and words of knowledge, as well as dreams and visions from the Lord. I caution you to beware of people prophesying that you must marry a certain person. While the Lord can and certainly does use prophecies, it should be a confirmation of what you already know to be true in your own heart, and not something that is forced on you as a mandate or as something foreign that you were completely unaware of. As you receive these confirmations, write them down in your journal. This is all part of being led by the Spirit. “For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.” (Rom 8:14).

Also see Led by the Spirit - Part I and Led by the Spirit - Part II.

One Man for One Woman
It is my personal belief that the Lord has one specific companion for each person that is supposed to be married. In other words, if it is His will for you to be married, I believe there is only one person in the world that God has for you to marry, and that is the only person you may marry in the will of God. I don’t believe the Lord just leaves that up to chance or happenstance, but He has determined these things before we were even born out of love for us. In some cases where a person’s spouse dies, I believe the Lord in His loving care for that person may also have a second spouse for them to marry when that need arises.

Therefore I believe it is critical to pray earnestly to know His will about the person you should marry, and then obey the Lord. I believe it is important to be led by the Spirit in all things, so that you are in the right place at the right time. If you are not where the Lord wants you to be when He wants you there, you may not find the spouse He has for you. If you marry outside of God’s will, you will suffer the consequences, which could include misery, heartbreak, divorce, and hindrances to the fulfillment of your calling and God’s purpose for you in life.  It could even result in eternal souls being lost, such as those you were intended to reach, or possibly your very own soul, if it leads you into sin and you do not repent. That’s why I lay so much emphasis on prayer and fasting, as well as being led by the Spirit, receiving divine direction and confirmations of His will.

One brother I know told me once that every couple he knows who said they felt the Lord directed them to marry each other ended up unhappy in their marriage or divorced (to the best of my memory, that is what he said). Consequently he did not believe in there being only one person for each of us to marry in the will of God. I suppose he assumed that if the Lord had really meant for those couples to be married together, they would have been happy, fulfilled, and would not have broken up. However, I disagree with that, so please let me explain why.

I believe that for those who are supposed to be married, the person God has chosen for you to marry is exactly what you need to help you fulfill your calling, do the will of God, carry out His purpose for you in life, and ultimately make it to heaven in Christ. However, that does not mean you will enjoy every moment of it. The Lord puts people in our lives to work on areas in us that need to be changed into the image of Christ and perfected. The proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Prov 27:17, NIV). Those who have had difficult roommates in college can testify to this principle, and marriage is no exception to it. The Lord puts you together with a marriage partner, who will be perfectly suited to work on your character flaws and get you ready for heaven. That is not always a pleasant process, but one that can often be painful.

Therefore, if couples do marry the one the Lord led them to marry in His will, and experience unhappiness together or conflicts, they may incorrectly assume they have missed God’s will and married the wrong person. They may assume the other person is the problem, and they need to get away from that person, when in fact the problem may reside inside of them and God may actually be trying to use their spouse to root it out.  That’s why I don’t think my friend has a valid reason for believing that there is more than one person you can marry in the will of God.

Age Range
I want to say a word about what age a person should be before they marry. This may vary for each person and within different cultures. There have been people who have married very young, even at fifteen or sixteen years old. However, this is not ideal. In today’s world, your education will be an important part of being able to get a proper job to earn a living to support your family. Getting married too young can interrupt your education, and that could hurt you in the long term. It is often much more difficult to finish your education if you are married, especially if you have children, so don’t rush into getting married too young. As the proverb says, “Prepare your work outside and make it ready for yourself in the field; Afterwards, then, build your house.”(Pro 24:27)

Also keep in mind that the person you know at age eighteen or nineteen is still changing. Their mind is still growing, they are still maturing, their viewpoints are still changing, and the person you know at that age is not the same person they may become by the time they are twenty one. If you marry someone who is not yet mature and is still changing, you may end up with someone later that is not quite the same person you once loved so much when they were younger. And their feelings about you could also change as well, as their mind changes. So take it slowly and realize this before you marry someone.

Pre-Courtship
Once you men have received definite leading from the Holy Spirit about the woman you feel you should marry, you may decide to speak with your parents, if they are godly disciples of Christ, who are filled with the Spirit. Otherwise, you should go to the elders of your church or your pastor who have spiritual oversight over you, and share your heart confidentially. But even if you speak to your godly, Spirit-filled parents, you should still speak to those with spiritual oversight over you in your church. Tell them about the confirmations you have received and see what they say. If they agree the Lord is leading you, then you may proceed to the next step, which is to speak to the woman about what you believe the Lord is saying and ask her to pray about it.

She needs to receive the Lord’s leading and guidance just as much as you do. So give her time to get her confirmations from the Lord. Don’t be impatient and rush her. In fact, it is best not to discuss it with her further while she prays about it. Don’t spend time together as a couple, because that could influence what she senses and you really want her to hear from God, not you. This will be an added confirmation for you later, which will help to ensure you have not mistakenly missed God. She may need some weeks or even a few months to get the mind of the Lord on this matter.

If you are a sister in this situation, then take your time and pray with fasting, seeking the Lord to know His will. As I mentioned, keep track of what you sense is the Lord’s leading in a journal. Let the Scriptures be your main guide, but also pay attention to the other types of confirmations I previously mentioned. Once you receive what you believe to be the Lord’s leading, then you should share that with your parents, if they are godly, Spirit-filled people, and then with the elders of her church or your pastor. If they agree the Lord is leading you, then they should release you and the man who desires to court you to get parental consent.

This obviously would not apply to people who are above a certain age, such as in the fifties age range or older, but exactly what age is the cut off point when parental consent does not apply is a subjective matter that is not explicitly defined in Scripture. Therefore you should use wisdom and good judgment in conjunction with your overseers as to when it applies. Don’t underestimate the value of honoring your parents and receiving their permission, as well as their blessing. Some churches may have strict rules that apply to getting this permission in writing, but the main thing is that you obtain their official consent, and if they don’t put it in writing, then you should do so and keep that in your journal.

I suggest that as part of this process, the father of the woman, who desires to enter into courtship, will want to meet with the man who desires to court her, and get to know him. If the father is a godly, Spirit-filled man, he will want to check him out and make sure he is a godly person as well. Such a father will most likely want to pray about the matter himself, but ultimately his decision should be based on what the couple has sensed the Lord leading them to do under the Holy Spirit’s guidance. If a man came to me, asking for permission to court one of my daughters, I would first want to know how he came to know the Lord and how the Spirit led him to believe he should court her. I would also ensure that he is submitted to spiritual authority as one who is accountable, correctable, and teachable. Moreover, I would not grant permission until I had ensured that the Lord was leading my daughter this way as well. If the parents are not godly, Spirit-filled believers, this process may not go smoothly, so be prepared for that possibility. There could be many possible variations of how this could proceed, and I will not seek to go into detail on all of them. Let the Holy Spirit guide you and use wisdom.

While awaiting parental consent, the couple is still not spending time together, but waiting on the Lord and praying individually. Once the parents grant permission, then the couple may share that with those who are in spiritual oversight over them. Some churches may have a marriage committee for this purpose or they may require this permission in writing. In any event, regardless of the specific requirements that each church may have, the main point is that the church overseer or overseers release the couple to begin courtship.

Courtship
Once the couple has been released to begin courting, they may do so. They should stand before their congregation at church and make the announcement that they are commencing courtship under godly oversight. This provides further accountability for them as a safeguard and it also gives the church the chance to rejoice with the couple and pray for them. The church should gather around them and pray for them and also commit them to prayer during the courtship.

This is not the same as dating, as I have already said earlier. This is a godly relationship that is based on love, purity, righteousness, and holiness. It must all be done in the light, not in darkness. Don’t give the devil any opportunity. I suggest that the setting for your times together should be either in public places or in the homes of Christian couples from your church. Avoid any situations that could lead to compromise. Remain accountable to others, such as your church oversight, whether the elders or pastor. If you are still living with your parents, and they are godly believers, then remain accountable to them, too.

The goal in courtship is to spend time together, praying together, worshiping together, studying the Word together, confirming God’s will, getting to know each other better, learning to work through conflict together, and preparing for marriage, before making a final, lifelong commitment to each other. During this time, I recommend premarital counseling under the guidance of a more mature, married couple in your church. You should discuss some of the key aspects of successful, godly marriage, such as the Word of God, the Lordship of Christ, the ministry of the Holy Spirit in your lives, love, submission, prayer, service, contentment, conflict resolution, birth control, forgiveness, and humility. The Word of God has plenty to say about these topics, so I recommend doing a Bible study together on these and others relevant to marriage. There are also plenty of good books available on the topic, and under the guidance of another married couple, the courting couple may go through a workbook together, discussing and answering questions about these things. This is the time to learn those keys you will need to ensure that your marriage is successful and lasts a lifetime.

Someone may ask whether engagement is a part of courtship. I think that it makes sense, because at some point in the courtship, the couple will want to make it official that they are engaged. For some couples that may be very soon, or they may consider the fact that they are courting to be official evidence enough of their intentions to marry. But for others, they may see the courtship as more of a proving period and wait until they have a greater assurance before they announce that they are actually engaged to be married. So this is somewhat optional, as I don’t see a Scriptural requirement for it, and God probably already views them as betrothed. On the one hand, I believe the couple would have already known before they started courting that it was God’s will for them to be married, and they should not have begun courting if they did not believe so. On the other hand, that could be viewed as a potential outcome that needed to be confirmed before the couple could officially and publicly announce their plans for marriage.

If a couple chooses to make engagement a formal step in the process, then it should begin with the man going to the woman’s father and asking for her hand in marriage. (In some cultures, such as in Africa, a dowry may be required, which the suitor must pay to the woman’s father). Once the father’s permission to marry his daughter has been granted, then the couple may go back to their overseers with that information, so they may proceed to the next step of making the announcement in church. As with the public announcement of their courtship, this is another opportunity for the church to rejoice with them, gather around and pray for them, and commit them to ongoing prayer. It is also an opportunity for the church and family to have an official celebration of the couple’s engagement. This is something very special they would probably not want to miss.

Once the courtship has proceeded well along this track and the necessary lessons have been learned, the couple may eventually proceed to planning their wedding. This is an exciting time as they set a firm date, and plan for the big day when they will seal the relationship with their pledge of love exclusively to each other, one man and one woman together for life.

I do not encourage couples to go through a long, extended courtship that lasts for years. It should not take years for this process. If too much time elapses, this can allow for the tempter to tempt them, so they must guard against this. Temptation can come in various forms, not only sexual. It can also come in the form of temptation to break up. So be careful.

I also do not advise couples that are courting or engaged to indulge in kissing, prolonged hugging, full body contact, lying down next to each other, sleeping in the same room, or talking about their sexual desires. If they get to the point in their courtship where they both feel their need for intimacy with each other cannot be postponed any longer, then after praying and seeking counsel, they may choose to move their wedding date sooner. As Paul wrote, “If they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Cor 7:9, NIV)

Incidentally, courtship and engagement for marriage may be broken off, but that should not be taken lightly, and the couple would certainly not want to go through this whole process more than once.  Moreover, in the Scriptures, betrothal could not be dissolved without a divorce (Mat 1:19). So while modern courtship and engagement may not legally require a divorce to break off, it is still a serious matter in the sight of God. There would need to be a valid reason for it, such as the uncovering of new information that would disqualify the couple from being married. For example, if one partner reveals that he or she is an unrepentant, practicing homosexual, transvestite, married to someone else, or not a sincere Christian, these would invalidate the engagement. Other possible reasons why a couple may wish to break off their premarital relationship may not be as clear as these examples, and may first need to be validated. 

Therefore, if they do break up, they should walk through that process prayerfully with fasting, under the careful and loving oversight of mature believers, such as a Christian couple from their church and those in oversight of their church. The couple would need to receive confirmations from the Lord that it is not God’s will for them to marry, because they would have previously already confirmed independently and under accountability to oversight that it was in fact God’s will for them to marry.

It should not be broken off simply because of unwarranted opposition that has arisen from parents who initially gave their consent, nay-Sayers, doubts, fears, unproven suspicions or accusations, second thoughts, speculations, a quarrel, annoyances, a loss of loving feelings or a lack thereof, or some other such circumstance. Essentially this process would need to be done carefully in the same manner as the pre-courtship was done, except in reverse, so that the enemy does not outwit the couple. But if it turns out after a period of courtship that the couple decides this is not God’s will to marry, then ending the courtship would be the right thing to do.

I hope this guidance has been helpful to those who are looking for assistance with how to go about finding a marriage partner in a godly, Christian way.

Attribution notice: Most Scripture quotations taken from the NASB.  Other Scriptures taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®, where noted. Image of Biblical Courtship courtesy of Like Success. No copyright infringement or endorsement of site intended. Fair Use Act invoked for educational and commentary purposes only.

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like Keeping a Prayer Journal, Led by the Spirit - Part I, Led by the Spirit - Part II, Walking in the Perfect Will of God, Why Not Live Together Rather Than Marry, The Forgotten Sin of Worldliness,  Avoid Becoming a Corrupted Christian, Sins That Will Keep You From Heaven, Visitation of Jesus to Samuel Oghenetega, Ezekiel Moses Testimony of Heaven and Hell, Is Obedience Optional?, Holy Living in a Perverted World, Covenant Prayer, Accountable, correctable, and teachable, Is Contraception a Sin? -- a Divine Revelation, A Warning for Married Christian Couples, Restored Truth, Testing the Spirits of False Prophets, A Warning to the Nay Sayers, The Ways of Life, and the other posts on the home page. You may also access my complete blog directory at "Writing for the Master."

Do You Want to Know Him?
If you want to know Jesus personally, you can. It all begins when you repent and believe in Jesus.  Do you know what God's Word, the Bible says?

“Jesus came into Galilee, preaching the gospel of God, and saying, ‘The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.’” (Mar 1:14b-15).  He preached that we must repent and believe.

Please see my explanation of this in my post called "Do You Want to Know Jesus?"