The Role of Fathers in the Marriage of Their Children

In the Church today, we have adopted many of the world’s ways and forsaken many of God’s ways. So when it comes to marriage, where nearly half of them end in divorce (even in the Church), is it possible that the Church is not approaching marriage according to the ways of God?  If that is the case, then we should find out what God’s ways really are in this matter. In order to find the answers, we need to look at how people entered into marriage in the Bible, and the role of one’s father in the selection of their marriage partner. This doctrine is found in the book of Beginnings, where all doctrine begins, in the book of Genesis.

God the Father gave his son Adam His wife Eve to be his wife (Ge 2:20-22).

Abraham got a wife for his son Isaac by sending his servant to go to his relatives and get a wife for his son there (Ge 24:2-4,7).

Abraham's servant asked Rebecca's father and brother to give her in marriage to Abraham's son Isaac, and it was her father Bethuel and brother Laban who agreed to give her in marriage to Isaac (Ge 24:50-52).

Isaac commanded Jacob not to take a wife from the Canaanites, which represent the world and the non-believers, and told him to go to his grandfather's house to the home of Bethuel and take a wife from his relatives there (Ge 28:1-2).

Isaac gave Jacob his blessing for marriage (Ge 28;3-4).

Isaac sent Jacob back to the home of Laban, but he did not pre-arrange the marriage (Ge 28:5).

When Esau learned that Isaac had blessed Jacob and sent him to the home of Laban to take a wife, and when he realized that the Canaanite wives he had taken were displeasing to his parents, then he married a daughter of Ishmael (Ge 28:6-9).

Jacob obeyed his father, Isaac, and went to the place he was told to go to take a wife for himself, which was Paddan Aram.

When Jacob obeyed his father, God gave him a confirmation in the form of a dream to show him that he was on the right track.

Jacob asked Laban for his daughter Rachel in marriage, which was his personal preference (not his father’s), and Laban agreed to give his daughter to him in marriage (Ge 29:18-19).

When the time came, Jacob asked Laban to give him his daughter Rachel in marriage (Ge 29:21).

Laban gave his older daughter Leah in marriage to Jacob (Ge 29:23).

Seven days later, Laban gave his younger daughter Rachel to Jacob to be his wife (Ge 29:28).

Hamor the father of Shechem went to Jacob, at the request of his son, to ask for his daughter Dinah to be his son Hamor's wife. This shows that even the non-believers (in this case a rapist) understood the importance of the father’s role in marriage (Ge 34:5-6,8-9).

Shechem himself also asked Jacob and his sons for Dinah to be his wife (Ge 34:11-12).

Judah got a wife for his first born son Er (Ge 38:6).

Judah also commanded his son Onan to lay with Er’s widow, and this is where the doctrine comes from that a brother must marry his brother’s widow in order to produce children (Ge 38:8).

When both of Judah’s sons had died, he ordered his daughter-in-law to go live with her father until his son Shelah was old enough to marry her. He still had authority over her even as a widow to direct her where she should live in order to be taken care of.

There is no Scriptural basis for a virgin to move out of her father’s household without his authorization or approval. The only time in Scripture that a virgin is ever allowed to move out of her father’s house is when her father gives her away in marriage to a man. That is the way it is in the Bible, although we understand that most people don’t do it that way today, and this is not intended to condemn anyone. I'm simply stating what is in God's Word, which is our sole rule of faith. 

"Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." (1 Cor 11:3)

We must be subject to the governing authorities, and a father is one of those authorities that is instituted by God (Rom 13:1; Heb 13:17). This authority doesn’t cease when a virgin daughter moves away from her father to live on her own without his approval, which has no biblical basis anyway. It still has some bearing. For example, if the father is a godly Christian man, then his counsel and approval should be sought out regarding a marriage partner, and marriage should not be entered into lightly without it. 

The Bible says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." (Pro 15:22). Parents are among the many, God-given advisers you need to consult with about important life decisions, and marriage is perhaps the most important life decision you could make. It would be foolish to make plans to marry anyone without the counsel, advice and approval of your parents, especially your father. That would be quite foolish to do so, and it is also completely unbiblical.

Marriage involves spiritual warfare, which should be obvious when you consider that nearly half (42%) of all marriages end in divorce (in America), even among Christians. Scripture says, "Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisers." (Pro 24:6). Be sure and obtain guidance from many advisers, including your parents, before making any decision to marry someone.

It is a father's God-given role to decide whether or not to give away his daughter in marriage to a suitor, which is why he should be directly involved in the decision. In keeping with this biblical principle, King Saul offered to give his daughter Merab in marriage to David (1 Sam 18:17). Later he also offered his daughter Michael to David to be his wife (1 Sam 18:21). Likewise, the Jewish men during the days of Nehemiah promised not to give their daughters away in marriage to the peoples around them or to take the daughters of those peoples for their sons (Neh 10:30).

Consulting your parents, especially your father, and involving them in your marital decision is both wise and biblical, and it also honors them. Although Jesus was never married, He honored his earthly parents and was obedient to them. (Lk 2:51)

Jesus honored his heavenly Father (Jn 8:49) and obeyed Him in everything (Jn 6:38; 8:29; 14:31; Lk 22:42). So too, should children honor their parents and obey them, unless it is something that contradicts the Word of God, such as their parent telling them to do something God’s Word forbids, or forbidding them to do something that God has commanded us to do. (Eph 6:1-3; Ex 20:12).

If you are blessed with a godly father, you would do well to listen to his instruction, pay attention, gain understanding, lay hold of his words with all your heart, and not forsake his teaching, as the Scripture says you should do (Prov 4:1-4).

A Sacred Principle Embedded in Culture

The whole principle of a father being directly involved in the marriage of his children is embedded in culture. We see this all over the world in various cultures that still hold to certain marriage traditions that go back hundreds, if not thousands of years. One of them is the suitor paying a dowry to the father of the bride, which is still practiced in many African and Asian cultures. Another tradition is the one in which the father walks his daughter down the aisle at the wedding. The minister asks who will be giving the bride away, and the father answers, "I do." He then gives her hand to the bridegroom as a physical act demonstrating that he is hereby giving his daughter's hand away to the man in marriage. 

Of course, in Jewish weddings traditionally, the father of the bride escorts her down the aisle, walking on her left side while her mother walks on her right. And even the groom is escorted down the aisle by his parents in the same fashion. This ancient Hebrew tradition probably dates back thousands of years, since it is based on a biblical principle that began in the time period written about in the book of Genesis.

However, we do know for sure that the Christian tradition dates back at least nearly five hundred years to the sixteenth century. A quick Google search returned this result: "The tradition of the father of the bride walking his daughter down the aisle to 'give her away' can be traced back to the Church of England's Book of Common Prayer in 1549. The text asks, 'who giveth this woman to be married to this man?' and the minister then 'receives the woman at her father or friend's hands'. The tradition likely originated from the [biblical] idea that a woman was her father's property and he was giving her away in exchange for a dowry on her wedding day. Once married, she would become the property of her husband."

In fact, this God-honoring practice is so important, that there have even been fathers who were paralyzed, who still walked their daughters down the aisle using walkers or wheelchairs, and even terminally ill fathers who walked their daughters down the aisle as they lay in a hospital gurney, being wheeled down the aisle beside their daughters. Let that really sink in. This is very touching to me, and expresses beyond words the point I am trying to convey.

Evidence from Biblical Words

There are a couple of Greek words found in the New Testament that provide further evidence of this biblical concept of a father giving his daughter away in marriage.

The first one is the Greek word "ekgamizō" (ek-gam-id'-zo), meaning "to marry off a daughter: - give in marriage." (Strongs). The root word is "gamizō," meaning "to give in marriage, permit to marry." This proves that in order for a daughter to be married, she must first be given in marriage by her father, who has the God-give authority to grant permission or not. These words are used in Mat 22:30, 24:38; Luke 17:27; and 1 Cor 7:38. There is another Greek word, "ekgamiskō" (ek-gam-is'-ko) found in Scripture that means the same thing as "ekgamizō." The existence and use of both of these words further proves that this is a biblical, God-ordained practice.

Conclusion

Some may say that the examples given in this study are all arranged marriages, but that is not true. The spouses in these biblical accounts of marriage were not all pre-selected by the parents without any input or preference by the children. This study does not lead us to the conclusion that we must advocate arranged marriages, or that they are the only way to get married. Arranged marriages may work in some cultures and for some people, but that is not the only way to do it. In fact, they can be disastrous, especially if God is not consulted and the one getting married has no say in the matter, whereby they can express their own preference. 

However, from this study in God’s Word, we learn that the father clearly has an authoritative role in the marriage of his children, and he is never bypassed or ignored in that decision, but rather he is directly involved. The father is always the one to give his daughter in marriage, and she does not make this decision on her own, nor does the son make a marriage decision on his own, but with his father's approval. The father is also the one with the authority to give his blessing or not to his child’s marriage. All doctrine begins in the book of Genesis, so from these examples, we need to understand that this is the will of God, the ways of God, and the Word of God for us to live by. 

Attributions: Scriptures taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®, copyright Zondervan, used by permission. Images subject to copyright. First image of father walking bride down the aisle is copyright Anna Grinets Photography, all rights reserved. Images used per Fair Use Act for educational and commentary purposes only. 

Author's Note: If you enjoyed this post, you may also like Finding a Marriage Partner, and the other posts on the home page. You may also access my complete blog directory at "Writing for the Master."

Do You Want to Know Him?
If you want to know Jesus personally, you can. It all begins when you repent and believe in Jesus.  Do you know what God's Word, the Bible says?

“Jesus came into Galilee, preaching the gospel of God, and saying, ‘The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.’” (Mar 1:14b-15).  He preached that we must repent and believe.

Please see my explanation of this in my post called "Do You Want to Know Jesus?"

Christian Typology of Jewish Wedding Customs

Dear friends,

The Jewish wedding customs are laden with many types of Christ and the Church, and we find many references to these in the New Testament Bible, as well as throughout the Old Testament. Let's take a look at these customs. 

Bride selection by groom’s father 

The bridegroom’s father would choose a bride for his son, either on his own or through a servant or messenger at his direction, who would do so with God’s help and guidance (Ge 24:2-4,7, 50-52; 38:6). Or the groom’s father would direct his son where to find a wife, as well as where not to do so (Ge 24:2-4), and allow the son to pick one for himself from that candidate pool that would surely receive his father’s approval (Ge 28:1-2,5).

Asking for the bride’s hand in marriage

The bride’s father would be asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage (Ge 24:50-52; 29:18-19,21; 34: 5-6,8-9,11-12), since it was her father’s decision whether to give his daughter away to him in marriage, and he alone had that authority to do so (Ge 29:23,28; 1 Sam 18:17,21; 1 Cor 7:36-38, NASB; Rom 13:1; Heb 13:17; 1 Tim 3:4; Eph 6:1-3; Ex 20:12).

The father’s blessing

The bridegroom’s father would pronounce his blessing upon his son’s future marriage (Ge 28:3-4).

Agreement by bride’s father & dowry set 

If the bride’s father agreed to give his daughter in marriage to the man, he would set the bride price, which the groom’s father was required to pay to the bride’s father—essentially buying her for his son (Ge 34:11-12).

Betrothal ceremony 

Once the terms were agreed upon, all parties would come together for the betrothal ceremony. 

At this point the bride price would be paid the bridegroom’s father (Ge 24:10,22,53).

The bride and groom would sign a contract or covenant, called a “ketubah,” signifying their agreement to marry.  

They would then drink wine as a symbolic sealing of the marriage.

At this point they were betrothed, which basically meant they were married, except that they had not yet consummated the marriage. Only death or a decision on the part of the groom’s father could dissolve the betrothal.

Groom returns to his father and prepares a home

"After they drank the wine and signed the ketubah, the groom would return to his father’s house and would work to build an addition onto it, preparing a home for his bride. He would continue to work, sometimes for over a year, until the day when his father approved the work and gave him permission to go and bring back his bride." -- Catherine Parks.

Bride waits and prepares herself for her groom and remains pure

"When the groom would go home to prepare a house for his bride, the bride would remain in her father’s home to prepare herself. And when she went out in public, they all knew she was spoken for...She was saving herself for her bridegroom, which was part of the betrothal agreement. She had been bought at a great price, and therefore she had to remain pure for her groom." -- Catherine Parks

Purity During Betrothal Period

According to Jewish law, a man and a woman who are not married to each other may not be in a room or other private spaces by themselves. 

Virgins wait for the bridegroom 

The bridesmaids, who were all virgins, would attend the bride, at the father of the bride’s house, where they with their lamps would await the coming of the groom. 

Groom returns for his bride

The bridegroom would go for his bride, who was waiting expectantly at her father’s house, not knowing when her bridegroom would arrive. 

Wedding feast

The bridegroom would bring his bride back to his father’s house where they would enjoy a feast lasting up to seven days (Jdg 14:10,18). 

Bridesmaids allowed into wedding feast

When the bridegroom came, attended by his friends (groomsmen), for his bride (Jn 3:29), the virgin bridesmaids with their lamps would follow the couple (Ps 45:14), lighting the way with their lamps, and would be allowed into the wedding feast with him and the bride, since they were known to the wedding couple (Ps 45:15).

Consummation of Marriage

The nuptial couple would finally get to be alone together in a secluded place only after the official wedding ceremony (Ge 24:67). The consummation of the marriage would soon follow. 

The bride would forsake her parents' house (Ps 45:10) and remain with her husband in his house, while he would leave his parents and be united to his wife (Ge 2:24) in a loving relationship for the rest of their lives. 

Typology Explained

Let me say a few closing words to explain the typology of Christ and the Church, which I'm sure you were able to see in these Jewish customs.

The bride selection by the groom’s father symbolizes the way the Heavenly Father has chosen a Bride for His Son, the Bridegroom (Mt 9:15; 25:1-13; Mk 2:19-20; Lk 5:35; Jn 3:29; Is 62:5NIV). The bride price represents the price that Jesus paid for the Bride, which He purchased with His own blood (Ac 20:28). The Father was directly involved in this payment, since gave His only begotten Son to purchase His Church as the Bride of Christ (Jn 3:16; 1 Jn 4:14-16; Gal 4:4-5). 

Those of us who have agreed to the terms of following Jesus have entered into betrothal with Him. For He has betrothed us to Himself forever (Hos 2:19-20). We are pledged to Him as His Bride in a covenantal relationship, and when we partake of the Lord's Supper, we are confirming that covenant with Him.

As the Bride of Christ (Eph 5:31-32; Rev 21:2,9,17; Is 62:5NIV), we are to prepare ourselves and keep ourselves purely devoted to the Lord (2 Cor 11:3; Eph 5:25-27; Rev 19:7), as we wait expectantly for His return. We belong to Him and no other. We are not only the Bride, but like the five wise virgin bridesmaids (Mt 25:1), preparing ourselves in advance, we are to buy extra oil by being continually filled with the Spirit (Mt 25:1; Eph 5:18), keeping our lamps burning, as we eagerly await the coming of Jesus the Bridegroom. 

He said He would return to his father’s house to prepare a place for His Bride, and promised to come back and take us, so that we may also be where He is (Jn 14:2-3). He will return only at the time of his Father's choosing to go and bring back his bride (Mt 24:36). When Jesus our Bridegroom comes in clouds of glory with all His holy angels, the dead in Christ will rise first, then we who are ready will be caught up together to meet the Lord in the air (1 Thes 4:16-17).

Then we will go into heaven with the Lord, where we will participate in the wedding supper of the Lamb (Mt 25:10; Rev 19:1-9). We will be married to Him at last in a loving relationship, and so we will be with the Lord forever (1 Thes 4:17).  

Watch a video of me giving a message on this topic.

Attribution: The foregoing document contains excerpts from an article by Catherine Parks called Watching and Waiting: Jewish Wedding Traditions in the New Testament. Another source is Matthew Henry's Commentary of the Bible.  

Author's Note: If you enjoyed this post, you may also like The Role of Fathers in the Marriage of Their Children, and the other posts on the home page. You may also access my complete blog directory at "Writing for the Master."

Do You Want to Know Him?
If you want to know Jesus personally, you can. It all begins when you repent and believe in Jesus.  Do you know what God's Word, the Bible says?

“Jesus came into Galilee, preaching the gospel of God, and saying, ‘The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.’” (Mar 1:14b-15).  He preached that we must repent and believe.

Please see my explanation of this in my post called "Do You Want to Know Jesus?"